Oh no you guys are thinking wrong. I am not drunk. I feel we don't need a drink to express ourselves. We need to be high on life. And today I am "Sad High". Thus, want to share my feelings here.
I believe this lockdown has given us good enough time to look at ourselves, our loved ones and introspect. Its been long I have been feeling depressed and low. I feel I am struggling hard in my life. Sometimes I feel tired of trying also. My body and mind is restless and feel tired.
I have been juggling with lot of thoughts in my mind nowadays which makes me restless. Somewhere I feel I am living with a fear in my mind of losing my loved one. All these past 3 years I have been struggling in bringing in better stable life. But at last I feel I have given up. And this feeling of giving up makes me restless. My brain pops out of pain bombarding with a thought of hurdles that I might have to face in future. And I feel I would never feel settled. I also possess a dream of building of beautiful house, have small cute kids, loving husband and healthy life for them. I am a personality who try to balance career and family. I wanna grow well in my career to keep me financially safe and give best to my family. I never think that my husband will buy a beautiful house for me. I myself want to build that house. But thinking about kids, that gives me goosebumps. I really feel that my future could be a great mess. My husband might need full time assistance and care from me. I always feel that I don't want to bring a life on this earth, if I feel I might be overburdened in handling responsibilities that I have. I want to be a best mom, but I cannot see myself creating a mess for a life when I know my life could be tough. I want to give a comfortable life to that small soul. But I have a fear that this fairy tale is not possible. Somewhere, back in my mind I know that my life is tough and with all the circumstances that I have to go through, that small soul will have to go through tough times. And thus, this fear tell me not to think of motherhood and this breaks my heart and tears drop down my eyes.
This lockdown, I felt energetic initially, tried lot of things. But now I feel exhausted. I feel my fear of living is draining the battery of my body and my mind. I never feel happy. My brain always passes stressed thoughts through my nervous system. It totally drains out my energy and I am restless during my sleeps. Every morning, I don't feel like waking up. Sometimes, I really feel if this morning won't have been there. I am not complaining about my better half. He is my soul. He is a kid to me. And literally he is childish in nature. And I want to spend my life for him, on him and for his betterment. I feel I can't afford in bringing a new life which would take my attention away from my better half. He always brings smile to my face. But I am worried and tensed for him. He tells me to express. I did. But it didn't help. And honestly I tried all means to bring him a better life. But now I feel helpless. I can't see any other route to adopt in front of me. The path that I have chosen now, seems to be very difficult and full of fears.
I feel like sitting on beach at night and look at stars all alone. I am looking for peace and rest for my mind and body.
I believe this lockdown has given us good enough time to look at ourselves, our loved ones and introspect. Its been long I have been feeling depressed and low. I feel I am struggling hard in my life. Sometimes I feel tired of trying also. My body and mind is restless and feel tired.
I have been juggling with lot of thoughts in my mind nowadays which makes me restless. Somewhere I feel I am living with a fear in my mind of losing my loved one. All these past 3 years I have been struggling in bringing in better stable life. But at last I feel I have given up. And this feeling of giving up makes me restless. My brain pops out of pain bombarding with a thought of hurdles that I might have to face in future. And I feel I would never feel settled. I also possess a dream of building of beautiful house, have small cute kids, loving husband and healthy life for them. I am a personality who try to balance career and family. I wanna grow well in my career to keep me financially safe and give best to my family. I never think that my husband will buy a beautiful house for me. I myself want to build that house. But thinking about kids, that gives me goosebumps. I really feel that my future could be a great mess. My husband might need full time assistance and care from me. I always feel that I don't want to bring a life on this earth, if I feel I might be overburdened in handling responsibilities that I have. I want to be a best mom, but I cannot see myself creating a mess for a life when I know my life could be tough. I want to give a comfortable life to that small soul. But I have a fear that this fairy tale is not possible. Somewhere, back in my mind I know that my life is tough and with all the circumstances that I have to go through, that small soul will have to go through tough times. And thus, this fear tell me not to think of motherhood and this breaks my heart and tears drop down my eyes.
This lockdown, I felt energetic initially, tried lot of things. But now I feel exhausted. I feel my fear of living is draining the battery of my body and my mind. I never feel happy. My brain always passes stressed thoughts through my nervous system. It totally drains out my energy and I am restless during my sleeps. Every morning, I don't feel like waking up. Sometimes, I really feel if this morning won't have been there. I am not complaining about my better half. He is my soul. He is a kid to me. And literally he is childish in nature. And I want to spend my life for him, on him and for his betterment. I feel I can't afford in bringing a new life which would take my attention away from my better half. He always brings smile to my face. But I am worried and tensed for him. He tells me to express. I did. But it didn't help. And honestly I tried all means to bring him a better life. But now I feel helpless. I can't see any other route to adopt in front of me. The path that I have chosen now, seems to be very difficult and full of fears.
I feel like sitting on beach at night and look at stars all alone. I am looking for peace and rest for my mind and body.
